Waiting and Realization
by della luna
Summary: She wanted me to realize my feelings for her? How could I when they were never there, or for any of the others who wanted the same thing? HPDM eventually
1. Prologue

This was inspired by all of those stories with summaries that say something like "Harry realizes his feelings for so and so". I just thought ' how can you realize something that isn't there?'. So this is going to be about his changing feelings, and I say changing since they will have existed, only in a form different from love. 

This will be slash. I hope if you have stumbled on this that you don't mind, but if it squicks you please leave without any cruel remarks, thank you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I never will. If I happen to mention something that has a trademark or rights reserved on it, then it also is not mine.

Thank you for clicking on my humble story, I hope to make it better than my last. If you can guess who Harry is referring to in this chapter, then drop me a line after the chapter with your guess, it shouldn't be that hard.

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People have been waiting for me all my life.

The Dursleys waited for me to leave them. The wizarding world has been waiting for me to save them.

And some even wait for me to 'finally realize my feelings for them'.

As I sit here now, I know that the Dursleys had the most realistic goals. I was going to leave their household eventually, it was inevitable. As soon as I was a legal adult, out the door I went. But that is another story for another time. Besides, it's not very interesting anyway.

The wizarding world waited for me to save them, to get off the pedestal they put me on and do something. Anything. I succeeded once against Voldemort, why not again? It wasn't as if I had a life or anything, I simply existed to fulfill a prophecy and to symbolize 'hope' and 'light'. It seems as if neither of these things were something I attracted. Maybe it was that I saw more of the negative things in life, too much to properly weigh out what was an average amount of evil to experience in a lifetime. Still, I say it's all relative. For me, there was more evil but there seemed to be a balance between the two.

On the 'realizing feelings' bit? I will say this, how can you realize feelings if they were never there? It is possible to have feelings grow, or begin or something. To have them realized means that I would have had to of had them in the first place, to enable them to grow, to become significant enough to be consciously acknowledged. Otherwise I am quite afraid that all of those saying this like a mantra over, and over inside their minds are setting themselves up for quite the fall.

As I sit here, even after rebuking all of the things people were waiting for me to do I know that there is no denying the fact that, yes, all of the above did come about. When I became an adult I left the Dursleys. I may not have held a spot in their hearts and I may have known that, but I still didn't want to be kicked out. It would have been quite the blow to the self confidence. As small as it can get sometimes I knew I didn't need that kind of mentality when I started my last year at school, knew that if I came back depressed too many questions would be asked, questions that would lead to answers I wasn't able to handle people knowing.

I eventually killed Voldemort, thought it was done with help. Can it honestly be expected of me to it entirely alone? Obviously, yes, it was because the wizarding world was rather put off that I had needed help. I was sixteen and now that I think about it, I was lucky that I didn't try to do it all alone. It would have been the death of me.

As for realizing my feelings? I can say that there were those who waited in vain, and there were those who didn't wait at all. It was a rather disturbing time. It's not that I didn't find some of them attractive.. it's just that I wasn't looking for a relationship with them. It was something I hadn't thought about until after I had killed Voldemort. Did you know that I hadn't expected to live? Everyone thought that I was going to save them on my white horse; swoop down and save the damsel that was England. In my own mind I thought that I was going to die trying, and not succeed. You can imagine how odd it must have felt to know that there was a chance I might have a future ahead of me. I wasn't ready to cut myself off with commitment. I had already done that with my commitment to the cause. 

I have already said that you can't have feelings develop from nowhere, that they have to have existed before to grow. Did I mention that hate can sometimes grow to love, or at least friendship? Well, it can and for me it did. When I started my seventh year there were many Slytherins who were still angry with me out of habit or because they actually had reason to hate me. Some though eventually became my friends, or as much of a friend as one can have in someone who has been trained since childhood to be careful and to think of only what is in store for them. 

All of these things had happened before or during my seventh year. I have told you the highlights would you like to know the details? The details of the last hope that people were waiting for me to achieve from me? Would you like to know that the one person that I did finally 'realize my feelings' for (and yes they were there, they were just different) was the one person who could have cared less? 


	2. Chapter 1

I would just like to say thank you to all of those that reviewed. 8 people may not be much, but its enough to make me happy:) I would like to apologize for taking so long a this rather small chapter. For me its an improvement in length, but I got stuck somewhere along in the dialogue. I just hope this fits along with my original idea. If you have any comments just go ahead and give them, they might prove to be useful when I attempt to beat my thoughts into submission. Disclaimer: I don't own it, otherwise I would not be held liable for copyright forgery. 1-16-04  
  
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I stepped through the barrier the separated the muggle platforms from the wizarding one on my way towards my seventh year.  
  
It had been an interesting summer. I had finally gotten out of the shadow of my muggle relatives and had, for the first time in my life, stayed in a place of my choosing for the summer. It was nothing fancy, just a leased out flat for a month in a relatively inexpensive area of London. But it was all mine and mine alone. Its location was so that I was able to be at Platform 9 and ¾ in very little time at all.  
  
The funny thing? I didn't even have to pack, not really. Even after living at the Dursleys for almost 17 years, all I owned was able to fit inside of my trunk and I didn't even have to sit on it to close it. I just walked out with my life literally in my hands and headed to the station. It puts a whole new perspective on taking your life into your hands, doesn't it?  
  
Now that I'm actually at the platform, I wonder if maybe this year, this year will be a good year. Voldemort is gone, none of his followers are united enough to make a comeback and I am finally free of the Dursleys. I need to find some wood to knock on, just in case. I would say that the tradition was just an old wives tale, but after all of the things I've heard in the wizarding world I would rather play it safe. It never hurt to be just a wee bit paranoid. Or at least this was the case in my experiences, you know your average everyday life endangered teenager. Getting targeted by Voldemort will make one just a little bit wary.  
  
I gather all of my belongings and start off to find a compartment. I just hope that I can avoid people who know me well enough to sense anything that might be off about me. Its not that I think that something is wrong with me, but I know that I never seem to be able to avoid the concerned looks from housemates when I return from the Dursleys. I'm always skinnier, although this year my only excuse is my own incapability to feed myself well. That is actually a very good excuse though, seeing as how I have never really had the chance to look after myself, at least not with everything I needed available at my fingertips. Old habits die hard I guess. Without a need to survive I still treat myself as if I only need to scrape by, I need to learn better habits. Eventually though, it is a gradual thing to relearn old habits.  
  
I just finally resign myself to the fact that I will see people I know on my way through the train, I have been going to school with these people for the last six years. I can only hope to find an empty compartment, or one that I can convince the passengers to leave and go to another compartment. I don't mind people outside of my friends interacting with me, but I would rather have the first conversations of this new year be with my closest friends instead of casual acquaintances. It's just a personal preference of mine.  
  
After clearing out a compartment, there was only one person in it anyway, I went about putting my trunk in the rack below the seats. Though I don't have much in the way of possessions, it was still heavy considering all of my things were in there. That done, I only had two things I could do: sit here and wait or leave the compartment and wait for them outside. Ahh. I guess this is the downside to being early, while being a good thing it is rather boring if there is nothing to do until you're through waiting.  
  
Well, I just decide to stay in the compartment. After all, it wouldn't do to have to find a new one if this one was taken while I was gone.  
  
So I sit there for a while, or at least it seemed a while to me. It was probably only around a half hour or so, not long enough for me to go search for something to do.  
  
As I sit there watching people outside of the train through the window and waving at those few who see me and wave, the compartment opens. I turn when I hear the door slide open, they should really consider oiling the slide rail on those slightly creaky doors, and see head of familiar red hair. Now that Ron is finally the only male Weasley at Hogwarts it is much easier to spot him and not to confuse him with any of his brothers.  
  
"Hey mate, your summer alright? You didn't write the past couple of weeks." It was a typical remark of Ron, make especially more common by Hermione's influence. Still, it is rather heartening to know someone still cares but I still don't intend on letting him completely into my psyche. Not today anyhow.  
  
I actually suspect him of having Hermione with him but when she doesn't enter immediately after him I assume she's arriving separately.  
  
But to make sure, "Ron, is Hermione coming on her own? Or is she here but just taking her time and chancing being late for the train?"  
  
"She didn't stay over this summer, just visited on the odd day. I 'spect she'll be here soon, otherwise she'll be late" was all he said. It was nothing more than what I had thought already.  
  
There was a kind of awkward silence for a few minutes. You know, the kind where you're in a situation with someone you can't quite judge well enough to tell how they'll behave. It wasn't like I was some kind of abused dog or something, but to tell the truth I didn't much know how to react to Ron either.  
  
It wasn't too long, maybe five minutes or so, that I heard the door open again. This time it was Hermione and at least she was expected and on time. If she had been maybe fifteen minutes later she might have missed the train. I don't think she would take a flying car, even to make it back to Hogwarts for her final year.  
  
"Hey guys. Sorry I'm late, but the traffic is horrible in London what with the construction and all. I was afraid I wasn't going to make it"  
  
She should know she didn't need to apologize, but why break such a good habit?  
  
"Oh it's fine Hermione, Ron just got here too. I thought you might have come together." I left it open, she could answer if she wanted to, it wasn't really a question anyway.  
  
"Well, I was rather busy this summer. Did I tell you I got a job Harry? I'm sure I told Ron but that's a given since I saw him in person this summer. Anyway, it was so much fun having a muggle job. I think I might just go to university after I graduate this year, afterall you can't have to many credentials." She practically beamed as she got all of this out. I had to wonder if I had just given them the address to owl me if it wouldn't have been easier. There wouldn't have been a build up of all that information. Ah well, at least that annoying uncomfortable silence between Ron and I was gone.  
  
But there was still silence from Ron and apparently Hermione noticed also. "Ron, you seem awfully quiet. Something wrong?"  
  
"No, nothing really." Pause. "It's just that this is our last year, and I have to wonder if the train ride will be any different or if it will always be the same, even when we don't go here anymore. It's so hard to believe that not one of us has died by some dark force or by laughter at Malfoy." For a moment he just sat there with the look on his face that said 'I'm entertaining deep thoughts' otherwise known as nostalgia. Hermione just looked a little bit teary, I guess she too was thinking about the end of our Hogwarts time.  
  
"Oh, what the hell. Let's just plan to enjoy this year to the fullest. I don't think anyone, even Malfoy could screw up this year for me. What about you Harry?"  
  
"Ron I don't think this is a year either of us is going to forget. After all, how often do you have the assurance of a totally Voldemort free world?"  
  
It was decided then and there in that train car. This would be a year to remember, at least for us.  
  
We didn't know how right we were. We never saw it coming, the year started out so normally, and it just seemed to stay that way, for all appearances, for months. 


End file.
